So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
