Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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