we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
