ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
