everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
