I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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