good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So squirting runs in the family.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
