if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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