My sheets look like a crime scene.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
