When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
