some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
