dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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