Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My pussy is not your playground.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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