You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
