Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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