What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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