well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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