you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
