I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize
