I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
