Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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