Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
