So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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