a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
