Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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