Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
