Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
