I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
