I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
