I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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