If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
operation have a gay friend backfired
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
