If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
home. puking in laundry basket.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
