Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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