i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
