i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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