I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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