The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
