weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
