It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have already put on my inside pants.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
