Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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