I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
