My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
then he tried to convert me to islam
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
