I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
