I'm so fucking centered right now
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
