What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
