Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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