I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
True strength comes from lack of pants
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
