I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
