I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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