i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
