the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
