3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
