he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
