Well douche your snatch and let's go!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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