So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need a beard to bite.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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